The Good Ship Albion's blog

Launch 1395

PLASTIC  PARADISE    Sketch

Scene: An elderly couple seated on a pretend bus.

Man: ... and it skidded? How awful.

Woman: At least whenthe omnibus hit him he was wearing clean underwear.

Man: That is a blessing.

Woman: Yes. St Peter wouldn't let him through the pearly gates wearing soiled Y-fronts.

Man: Perish the thought.

Woman: Perish the thought and may it go to Hell.

Man: Soulless.

Woman: Wicked.

Man: Evil.

Woman: Abort it.

Man: It's aborted. (Pause) Was he Christian?

Woman: Not in practice.

Man: It's the thought that counts.

Woman: That's right. I think therefore I am... a Christian.

Man: Who was it said that?

Woman: Me. Just now.

Man: No. Originally.

Woman: It might have been written on the back of a cornflakes packet. I like reading the smallprint. I once once advised to read all smallprint before parting with money.

Man: That's him. Kellog's. I think therefore I am.  You like cornflakes, then?

Woman: No. I just buy them for the free gift inside.

Man: One cereal manufacturer was giving away plastic figurines of the saints.

Woman: They're an all-girl pop group, aren't they?

Man: I mean the Biblical saints.

Woman: Nothing plastic about them, dear. You are Christian aren't you?

Man: Of course. I'd show you my St Peter, but we're now outside the pearly gates. This is my stop. (Rises) You came just for the ride, eh?

Woman: Yes. Just for the ride. Hope you've clean underpants!!

CURTAIN

Launch 1394

SONG LYRIC:

DEFIANCE

It was an unlikely alliance

these two men in defiance

From the law they obsconded

Were by handcuffs only bonded

 

White man, black man

How the pair ran and ran

White man, black man

They were prisoners on the lam

 

It was an unlikely coupling

of the pale and dark skin

and of two different minds

Even the underworld takes all kinds

 

White man etc

 

It takes all kinds

no matter what we say

It takes all kinds

but don't let crime pay

 

Repeat 1st verse

 

White man etc (twice) 

Launch 1393

SONG LYRIC:

STARSHINE

Shine shine shine

like a light from afar

Shine shine shine

like the star you truly are

 

You feel low as the sun

now that the dark has come

Think of the good things you have done

 

Shine etc

 

Yes you feel so down

now night is on the town

but the day will be back around

 

Shine etc

 

Rpt. 1st verse

 

Shine etc (twice)

Launch 1392

TRUE BLUE MURDER  playlet/sketch by Mark Beevers 1998

Scene: A married couple sat either end of a dining table.

Husband: A poor socialist is accused of supporting the politics of envy, while a rich socialist is accused of hypocrisy!! You just can't win.

Wife: Hmmm. How's your dinner?

Husband: Strange. You've never asked that before.

Wife: Well? How is it?

Husband: Strange.

Wife: That will be the poison.

Husband (aghast): Poison?!!!!

Wife: Yes. Rat poison.

Husband (dropping his knife and fork): Rat poison?!!!!

Wife: I've poisoned you, you rat!!

Husband: Rat? Rat?!! What do you mean? And why?!! Aren't you aware murder is illegal?

Wife: I phoned your office. The cleaner said you went out with your secretary for a nibble.

Husband: You make us sound like rabbits.

Wife: That's the image I received from your office cleaner. At it like rabbits.

Husband: But we only went for a snack!!

Wife: I don't care for your euphimism.

Husband: It's not a euphimism. It's a fact.

Wife: The facts of life. No need to rub it in. I get the picture.

Husband: The wrong picture. We only went for a bite to eat!! Oh my God, I think I'm dying (rises from table holding his stomach).

Wife: Don't worry. There's no need to phone for an ambulance. You'll be dead before it arrives. I laced your wine with arsenic.

Husband: How could you?

Wife: Easy. I support capitalism.

Husband (sinking to the floor): Then you've been living a lie.

Wife: Only with you. Capitalism is as true today as it's ever been.

Husband: Why did you stick with me, then?

Wife: Because you're rich.

Husband: Capitalist bitch!!

Wife: Socialist hypocrite!!

Husband: Thatcherite!!

Wife: Dead Red!!

Husband: Dead right... aahh (dies)

CURTAIN

 

Launch 1391

SONG LYRICS:

THE ENCHANTED ISLE

The enchanted isles

and the enchanting smiles

I am bewitched

but I'm also beguiled

There in the shadows

of a tropical sun

the dark devils

of a fever run

 

There's no getting away

No getting away

The dark demons

of life still play

 

Swallows and Amazons

in the English suns

The games we had

Wooden-swords, finger-guns

There in the shadows

of an English isle

was our childhood

just as beguiled

 

There's etc (twice)

The enchanted  etc

There's etc (twice)

 

SCAPEGOAT

Scarlet letter on your breast

They call you an adulteress

Branded with a burning A

the hyocritical H has its way

 

Yes the hypocrites abound

You can hear their voices sound

You are the scapegoat for those who

live a lie the same as you

 

Scarlet letter etc

Yes the hypocrites do roar

to hide the crack, hide the flaw

of their agedness and their youth

pretending to weild the sword of truth

 

Scarlet letter etc

Yes the hypocrites etc

Scarlet letter etc

Launch 1390

SONG LYRICS:

DEAD MEN'S ISLE

You were out to make your pile

You're lonely as a dead man's isle

Your nights get longer, days grow colder

Skeleton from the cupboard at your shoulder

 

You marooned your man like Ben Gunn

Like a dog with whom ends the fun

once that he's no more a pup

and the kid her game hasd given up

 

You were etc

 

Left him stranded like Rob Crusoe

Haunts you now doesn't he do so

Yes you're lonely and yet not alone

stood by his ghostly dead man's bones

 

You were etc

You marooned etc

You were etc

LITTLE SO AND SO

Mussolini was a red

who became a fascist instead

Two extremes went to his head

A leader who was easily led

 

Oh little Benito

Oh little Italio

Oh little so-and-so

you just had to go

 

There he hung in the street

There he hung by the feet

There he hung a piece of meat

There he hung in defeat

 

Oh etc

Mussolini etc

Oh etc

Launch 1389

SONG LYRICS:

STRANGE ADVENTURE

From Long John Silver

to Longfellow

From pirate to poet

we onward go

That's right my love

That's life my love

That's right my love

That's life my love

 

From station to station

we catch the flow

From port to port

we sail on so

That's Time my love

That's the tide my love

That's Time my love

That's the tide my love

 

Here goes the shipout of the bay

We'll meet strange fellows

along the way

We'll meet strange fellows

along the way

 

Rpt. 1st verse

Here goes etc (twice)

 

TILL THE COWS COME HOME

Little Bo-Peep from your window creep

I'm not the one to roam

Little Bo-Peep don't lose your sleep

I'll love you till the cows come home

 

Come lie down with me in the corn

I'm Little Boy Blue with his horn

calling out to you... calling out to you

 

Little Bo-Peep etc

 

Come lie etc

 

Little Bo-Peep etc

Launch 1388

SONG LYRICS:

I NEVER LOVED YOU TOO

I guess that it's all over

I guess that we are through

Go on baby pack your bags

I never loved you too

 

I never loved you too

I never loved you too

You say you never loved me

and I know that it is true

(and yes I always knew)

 

I guess you had better go

I just didn't wanna hurt

I guess you'd better pack

but don't bag my last shirt

 

I never etc

Rpt. 1st verse

I never etc

Launch 1387

PRO  a further playlet/sketch by Mark Beevers 1998

Scene: A guy about to pass  a  pro in a dimly-lit doorway.

Pro: Looking for a good time, mister?

Guy: A good time?

Pro: Yeah. Y'know. Some good old rumpy-pumpy.

Guy: You a pro?

Pro:  Professional and willing.

Guy: For a shilling?

Pro: Mister you ARE old. My mamma used to talk shillings.

Guy: Your mamma  a pro too?

Pro: Cheeky.

Guy: Thanks for the offer, but no thanks.

Pro: You're married?

Guy: Err... yes I am.

Pro: Been a long while since you've had a good time, then.

Guy: Maybe.

Pro: Wanna come up?

Guy:  beg your pardon?

Pro: Wanna join me on this step?

Guy: Rather public isn't it?

Pro: Ah, you seek private entertainment?

Guy: Well I really wasn't seeking anything.

Pro: Not even a way out of your marriage?

Guy: Why would you think that?

Pro: I'm good with faces.

Guy: Only faces?

Pro: Cheeky, cheeky.

Guy: How do I know you're not a cop?

Pro: Doing two jobs, you mean?

Guy: No. It could be a trap. I might read about myself in the newspaper for soliciting a prostitute.

Pro: You're not a solicitor, then? I get  many of those. Besides, I'm doing the soliciting.

Guy: No, soliciting is not my profession, nor is it my leisure-time hobby.

Pro: You don't have a hobby-horse about women on the game, then?

Guy: No. I mean, who's exploiting whom? But as I say, I could be a mouse headed for the pussycat's trap.

Pro: Sounds Freudian.

Guy: Do you know hm?

Pro: Cheeky, cheeky, cheeky. You're the OLD one here.

Guy: But not that old.

Pro: Well mister. Are you for or against what comes natural?

Guy: I'm all for it!!

Pro: Ok. Sold to the antique fella with the auctioneers's hammer down his trousers!!

CURTAIN

 

Launch 1386

"THE 3 Ws"

Scene: A pub.

Landlord: You're looking for Wally Waster?

Drinker: That's the guy.

Landlord: He'll be in later.

Drinker: You know him, then? He's a poet, I understand.

Landlord: More a piss-artist.

Drinker: You've read his stuff?

Landlord: Some of it.

Drnker: You don't like it?

Landlord: I don't like poetry at all.

Drinker: Poetry's a gift. Got it from his parents did he?

Landlord: Didn't get it from the Muse!! Only got the accurate alliteration from his parents.

Drinker the accurate alliteration?

Landlord. Yeah. Wally Waster.

Drinker: It's a psuedonym isn't it?

Landlord: Why'd a pretencous poet want a name like that?

Drinker: He's pretencious?

Landlord: All poets are pretencious.

Drinker: How's that?

Landlord: They think they're on a higher plane than the rest of us.

Drinker: Well if he's a piss-artist he will be on a higher plane!!

Landlord: Hey up. Here he comes now.

Wally enters.

Landlord: What'll it be son?

Wally: The usual dad. Pint bitter.

Drinker: Dad?

Landlord: Yeah. I told you his mum and me gave him the alliteration.

Wally(takes beer):  Cheers dad.

Drinker: So your surname's Waster?

Landlord: Well I do own this pub.

Wally: The Waster's Arms folk call this place. Strange name for a pub where the regulars get legless!!

Landlord: And here's my wife,  Wally's mum.

Wife enters.

Drinker: Hello Mrs Waster.

Wife: Call me Wendy.

Drinker: Wendy Waster?

Landlord: And I'm Willy.

Drinker: Willy Waster?

Wife: That's right. Willy, Wendy and Wally. That's why the pub sign says "The 3 Ws".

Wally: And you are...?

Drinker: Looking for a special verse for my Valentine card. Sounds like I've come to the right place.

Landlord: Or maybe the wrong one.

Wife: My husband is averse to verse.

Wally: But I'm not. The girl you've in mind is...?

Drinker: Pricilla.

Wife: And you are...?

Drinker: Sorry. Didn't I say? Looking for a special verse for my Valentine card.

Landlord: Piss-head.

CURTAIN