FAST FORWARD
Scene: Man and woman at bar.
Man: So. You're a vegetarian?
Woman: Yes. I eat only vegetables.
Man: We are what we eat.
Woman: You?
Man: I've exotic tastes.
Woman: A rare bird then?
Man: Yes. I suppose I am. I like crocodile. Not many will try it. Still, better than it eat me.
Woman (pause): Glad we don't have them in this country.
Man (pause): We did have wolves and bears once upon a time.
Woman (pause): I like fairytales too.
Man: Oh it's no fairytale. We hunted them down. Destroyed their habitat. Killed them off.
Woman: That's sad. I don't get out into the countryside much. But I watch tv.
Man (pause): Hmm. It is something of a wilderness isn't it. 24 hours. A multitude of channels. Yet I'm left with a sense of loss.
Woman: Oh I can't get enough. I watch all the soaps. I tape them and watch them over and over. I watch the omnibus editions and tape them too.
Man: Even though you've watched them already and got them on tape?
Woman: Yes. That's the wonder of modern technology.
Man (pause): I find soaps commonplace. I prefer the theatre.
Woman: Never been. Is it expensive?
Man: Can be.
Woman: When did you last go?
Man: I'm going tonight. Would you like to join me?
Woman: Join you? My, you are fast forward.
Man: Just like the button on your programme recorder.
Woman (laughs): If I pree your belly-button will you fast forward out the door?
Man: If you press my belly-button I'll fast forward out the door with a tight grip on your hand.
Woman (pause): You're not a Free Mason are you?
Man: Free Mason?
Woman: Tight grip. Funny but firm handshake.
Man: Ah, hell no. Not a Mason, but free.
Woman (pause): It's quiet tonight.
Man: Like the grave.
Woman: Where's the barman?
Man: Vanished like a ghost.
Woman: He's creepy.
Man: Makes your hair stand on end.
Woman: Spiky. Like a punk rocker.
Man (pause): Yes. It's dead all right.
Woman: Not even any music.
Man (pause): We could make our own.
Woman: Cheeky.
Man (looks at watch): Time to go.
Woman: What's the show?
Man: A farce. Run For Your Wife.
Woman: I've heard of it. It's a long runner.
Man: But you've never caught it?
Woman: No.
Man: I've caught it several times.
Woman: Is it exotic?
Man: Hardly erotic.
Woman: Then what's the attraction?
Man: You my dear (gnashes teeth). Remember, you are what you eat.
Takes her hand. Both rise from their stools and exit bar.
CURTAIN
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